A glimmering white bum

The letter request:

Could you write a Valentines letter to my husband’s car. He seriously loves it more than he loves me.


The letter:

Dear Aaron’s Audi,

Will you be our Valentine?

Last year on St Valentine’s Day you were quite new on the scene and I think we forgot to celebrate. We were in that heady stage of lust, I believe they call it the ‘honeymoon’ phase.
If I’m honest, it wasn’t all roses and violins for me. While Aaron was in love with you immediately I myself was a little wary. I’ve shared him with other loves before. I’ve shared him with houses, jet skis and television programs about Kombi restoration. Hell, I’ve even shared him with the ironing. But somehow this is different. When Aaron fell for you he fell hard.

In fact it was similar to when he first met me. For a long while I couldn’t go to the loo without a bunch of flowers appearing on my desk at work and chocolates were forever being sent my way. But though he wined me and dined me I played very hard to get. I can’t say the same for you however. All he had to do was flash some money around and he had you at hello.

Aaron likes to flash his money around. You probably already know this about him as you’ve spent a lot of time with us now. Aaron also likes to flash his bum. Ah ha! Didn’t know that did you? If only you came away on holidays with us you’d know how he likes to do dolphin dives in the pool, his glimmering white bum on show for the whole wide world.

What? You didn’t know he had a glimmering white bum? See Audi, there are a few sides to Aaron that you have not yet seen. Since you’re not allowed inside the house, what you see is Aaron after he’s spent hours primping and preening. He thinks you’re so darn gorgeous that he dresses up for you. You know his naturally bronzed skin? It’s a spray tan. Uh huh! He even spent $1800 on a jacket so that people would think the two of you looked good together.

But it’s not all about you, you know. His penchant for fancy clothes was around long before he found you. There was even a time when he used to dress up for me. I sometimes think it’s all an elaborate ploy to hide his bogan roots but the truth is, this boy is from Mt Evelyn. He once ordered rice bubbles for dinner at a restaurant and he’d still choose bangers and mash over fine dining any day. Aaron likes to keep this side of himself hidden and you help him do this.

You also fuel the common opinion that Aaron is gay. Naming one’s car is something many people do but most men personify cars in the feminine. Similar to the way all ships have a feminine pronoun, i.e. She’s beautiful! A man’s love for his car is made acceptable by discussing it like a lover, i.e. She runs like a dream or I’d like to take her for a drive (wink wink). Aaron, on the other hand, named you Obama after the most powerful man in the Western world. He calls you Bamy for short and waxes and polishes you tenderly every weekend. Need I say more?

I’m not jealous of you dear Audi though I’ll admit, for a while there, I was worried he may love you more than he loves me. (You probably don’t see anything wrong with this; after all, Audi’s are known to be quite full of themselves.)

But everything changed about a month ago when Aaron and I were at the airport, heading to my brother’s wedding in Samoa. I stupidly hadn’t noticed that my passport was near expiration and the airline refused to let me on the plane. I told Aaron to go on without me but he refused. Even though he was part of the bridal party he wouldn’t leave the country without me. I stomped my feet, made a frantic call to the Samoan Embassy and was eventually allowed to board.

Sitting on that plane while the hostesses demonstrated how to use the whistle on the life jacket I thought of you, at home in the garage. I’m not telling you this to hurt you but, at that moment, I knew that he loved me more than you. He’d happily jumped in a taxi and left you behind but he wanted me by his side.

Aaron and I have been together eight years now, married for five. As the women of France allow their husbands to have a mistress, I’m happy for you to stick around. You make Aaron happy and that in turn makes me happy.

Let’s celebrate big this Valentines Day. Your lease is up in a year or two so it may be our last one together.

All my love,

Sandy xo