Let’s talk about Jake Gyllenhaal

The letter request:

I need you to write a letter to this guy that I’m apparently going to be seated next to at my friend’s wedding. My friends have said he’s single and perfect for me so I’ve been Facebook stalking him. I can’t get into his account, I can see just his pictures cos we have a few mutual friends. I feel like I know so much about him already and can imagine our life together!


The letter:

Dear Facebook Boy,

This confession is a strange one so, before reading, please be assured that I look nothing like Glenn Close and I don’t dig on boiled bunny.

My friend is getting married next month. Because girls tend to discuss the most minute details of life, I’ve been briefed on the seating plan for the wedding and apparently I’m sitting next to you. My friend says this is serendipitous because you are hot and single and we will hit it off.

She innocently suggested I take a look at your Facebook photo to verify her claim and that’s where things got messy. We have a few mutual friends, you and I, and some of them are lax with photo privacy restrictions so I’ve seen several pictures of you. Turns out my friend wasn’t lying: you are definitely hot. Problem is, I now feel like I know you.

To explore this phenomenon, let’s talk about Jake Gyllenhaal. I’ve seen some of his films and the occasional photo in a magazine (eating a burger, walking his dog). Because of this, I sort of like him. I imagine that if we hung out we’d be friends, in the way that I look at Bruce Willis and know with certainty that we would never be besties.

I now have two options. First is, I can pretend I never spied on your Facebook and play it cool at the wedding. Be all like, ‘Oh hey, nice to meet you, what did you say your name was again?’ This is the sensible option, I know. But what if, as the night progresses, I get tipsy and slip up? What if I end up saying, ‘So, I saw in your photos that you’ve been traveling in Portugal recently?’ Or ‘You look great tonight but I think I prefer that green shirt you wore to that other wedding recently…’

Second option is to bring us back to an equal playing field. Ask you to have a look at my photos on Facebook so that we’re even stevens. I think this is the better option, which is why I’m writing this letter…

This way, when we meet next month we can both experience that awkward, kind-of-know-you-but-never-met-you feeling and then take it from there.