The letter request:
I’m really glad that my friend has fallen in love and is moving to the side of the world but I just want to make sure her new beau realises that we’ve still got her back and we’re fierce over here…
On behalf of Lucy’s homeland, I just want to tell you how excited we are that you and Lucy are about to build a life together. You are the luckiest man in the world because Lucy is an absolute catch. As I’m sure you already know she is gorgeous, super smart, fun, a true friend, a fabulous cook, always up for frivolity and an expert in all things Lego.
I bet you’re sitting there thinking you imagined it all. That you dreamt you met your ideal woman and she was giving up her whole world to move to Washington DC and marry you. But it’s true! It’s really happening! We’ve said goodbye and are sending her over to you with all our love and best wishes. She is really yours!
There’s just one teeny tiny other thing we’re sending along with her and that’s a little warning.
I’m not sure if you know but Australian fauna can be crazy dangerous. From jellyfish off the Great Barrier Reef to crocodiles, sharks, poisonous insects and snakes, our continent and its waters host wildlife that merit awe and respect in equal doses. Swimmers should use safety precautions, swim between the flags only where a lifeguard is present, and never swim alone. SCUBA diving can be a treacherous sport. Over the past few years, there have been numerous deaths related to diving incidents. Divers are urged to follow recommended precautions and never dive alone.
Also, traffic operates on the left side of the road and all vehicles use right-hand drive. Caution is required when crossing streets and when driving. When crossing roads on foot, one must look carefully in all directions. When driving in rural areas, be cautious of free-roaming animals, such as kangaroos, and “road-trains” (several semi-truck trailers connected together). Passing road-trains is dangerous, and you should pull over to allow on-coming road-trains to pass so as to avoid being sideswiped. A number of fatalities have occurred in the Northern Territory where vehicles driven at high rates of speed have skidded and overturned after hitting loose gravel on the shoulder of the road.
As described above (in the information possibly copied from the United States Government’s description of Australia) we have a lot to contend with. Dealing with crocodiles, road-trains and treacherous underwater sports has made us Australians rather robust. The kind of people you wouldn’t want to cross. We’re strong and we’re loyal and we are entrusting you with the care of one of our own. We know you won’t let us down.
Already we can tell from afar that you love our girl deeply and will make her happier than she has ever been before. For this we are grateful.
Maya and the whole of Australia
P.S. The other thing about Australia is it’s a big place. I mean, HUGE. And it has a lot of uninhabited arid desert that we call the outback. It’s been known to happen, once or twice, that a person “wanders” off into the outback and disappears without a trace. Just saying.
When Jane’s mental dog took a big bite out of the dress we scored for this letter, Jane got crafty…
… and made a pom-pom to decorate her window.