An extra fifty bums

The letter request:

My local hotel has no designated or obvious dance floor. They have far too many wall-mounted televisions playing sport, a smaller room with two pool tables and a juke box and one TV connected to that playing music video clips but no space to dance near the juke box. I would recommend they move their pool tables into the bigger room and create some floor space near the jukebox for dancing in the smaller room where they should also move their lounges. In the past, this place has been renowned for its great outside dance area, good bands and music. Keep the dream alive baby!


The letter:

To the Publican at the Spinifex Hotel,

You can’t deny that supermarket aisles are the true unsung heroes of the supermarket. People rave about variety and price but where would they be without those quiet and unassuming patches of linoleum between the shelves? Without aisles, how would they see the produce? How would they access their favourite box of muesli bars and their preferred brand of cheese?

I’m similarly impressed by train platforms. Trainspotters are misguided – clearly the platform is the marvel. What’s the point of trains if you can’t get on board?

This brings me to the Spinifex Hotel which is, in effect, a train without a platform, a supermarket without an aisle. I’m imagining the back-story goes something like this. You bought the Spinifex Hotel a year or two ago and, like all good entrepreneurs, saw plenty of room for improvement. You set to work with a few changes to the menu, a few refinements to the visual appearance but, most importantly, you addressed the inefficient use of space.

A few quick calculations and you figured you could fit an extra fifty bums on seats and the owners of those bums might purchase an extra fifty chicken parmas so you set to work sourcing tables and chairs.

The problem is this: where you see inefficient use of space, I see dance floor. You’ve kept the jukebox but left nowhere for people to dance. Let’s consider those million and one televisions you’ve got fixed to the walls playing and replaying endless sport. Where would the footballers be without an oval? The cricketers without a pitch?

Prior to your takeover, the Spini was renowned for its great outdoor dance floor and its fabulous live music. In a town like Derby, with a small and loyal population, it’s important to play to your strengths.

Don’t worry, this problem isn’t beyond fixing, I’ve been thinking it through. You should move the pool tables to the larger room and the couches to the smaller room. This would leave ample space to create a dance floor near the jukebox. I say ‘create a dance floor’ but it’s as simple as leaving some space. You’ll be impressed with how quickly we fill it with our moves.

Your loyal toe-tapping patron,