The letter request:
I’m looking for work and saw my dream job advertised but I noted applications had closed a few days earlier. I phoned the company and asked if they would accept a late application, explained my qualifications and gave a bit of history. They said they would like me to apply so I pulled an all-nighter and submitted the next day. Two hours later I received an email advising I had not been successful.
Dear HR Manager,
Sex is a game for two. Sometimes three or more, sometimes one, but often two. When someone fakes an orgasm, it is generally for the benefit of the other person involved. There is no great enjoyment to be had from faking extreme pleasure; it’s just something one might occasionally do to make someone else feel better about their performance. Altruism, you might call it, for want of a better word.
Last week I applied for a job with your company. We spoke on the phone prior to my applying and you seemed enthused by my experience and credentials. You said, ‘Yes! Please Apply! Just make sure your application is in by 5pm tomorrow.’ I spent many hours writing, gave considered thought to each of your selection criteria, sought consult from friends, checked in with potential referees and finessed my resume. I spent a few hours daydreaming the logistics which in this case involved imagining myself resigning from my current role, imagining myself moving across the country to take up the position, imagining the impact on my relationship – you get the drift. I was quite excited.
I submitted my application and a mere two hours later I received an email advising that I had not been successful. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not griping about not getting the job. I trust that you must have had an amazing applicant who blew me out of the water. Some Harvard educated genius who happened to want to work for a small health service in Cairns. My gripe is about the way in which you rejected me. Could you not have waited a few days? Could you not have at least pretended to thoroughly read the application I spent so many hours preparing? Would it be too much to ask that you faked it a little? Gave me enough time to imagine you deliberating over my resume at a round table before slowly conceding someone else was more qualified for an interview?
Now that I think of it, my orgasm analogy is off the mark. Maybe instead we should talk about premature ejaculation. Next time someone takes the time to put together a considered response to a job that you have advertised, try not to come too soon.