I don’t do these things with people who are not my friends

The letter request:

My ex husband just sent me a request to connect on LinkedIn. We divorced nearly two decades ago when he ran off with someone else and we’ve had zero contact since then. He did attempt contact once before but I told him then that I had no interest in being pen-pals of any kind. 


The letter:

Dear John

The brain is a precious organ that must be treated with the utmost care. Many things can cause it harm, including car accidents, infections and too much partying.

At one end of the spectrum, this type of damage can lead to death. At the other end, it might cause hallucinations and a belief in different planes of reality. You know, like Xenu or the cabbage soup diet or President Donald Trump.

In my plane of reality, I have friends and colleagues who mean a lot to me. We email, follow each other’s lives and careers on social media and catch up in person for hijinks, hilarity and heart-to-hearts. In my plane of reality, I don’t do these things with people who are not my friends. Which brings me to you.

Remember the last time you emailed me? It was a few years ago now… I wrote back saying that I didn’t see much point in pretending to be friends when, clearly and conclusively, we are not.

So you can understand why I was surprised to receive your recent LinkedIn request.

It made me wonder: what plane of reality are you on? Have you recently tumbled headfirst off a ladder? Or eaten undercooked pork in the tropics? Perhaps you’ve been self-medicating with Ketamine.

My point is this: we haven’t been friends or colleagues or spouses for nearly two decades now. You have your life and I have mine and ne’er the twain shall meet. Please stop trying to make contact with me. Because you know what else is a precious organ? The heart.