June 16, 2011
Dear Charlie,
As the female in this friendship I have three primary obligations. One, to introduce you to my hot girlfriends. Two, to tease you when the women in your life suddenly realise you are the love of their life and fall at your feet. And three, to warn you when your life is dangerously close to becoming a romantic comedy.
Consider yourself warned.
May 10, 2011
Dear Emirates,
I’m hungry. Hear me out. I’m hungry because today I went to my favourite dumplings restaurant for lunch and they gave me a single chopstick to eat with. What what? Crazy, I know. I couldn’t eat a thing. Everyone knows that chopsticks come in pairs and that a lone chopstick is as useless as an umbrella in a hurricane.
May 6, 2011
My dear Little Peanut,
You probably think it’s not possible to fall in love with somebody you’ve never met but I’m sorry to say you are wrong. Don’t feel bad – having just been born, there’s a whole heap of stuff you’re yet to learn. That’s where I come in, you see; I’m here to teach you.
March 6, 2011
Dear Qantas,
The idiom ‘You could have knocked me over with a feather’ means that when someone is shocked or in some way unstable, they are easy to knock over. The imperative part of this being that the issue arises before the feather but the feather is not the issue.
February 12, 2011
Dear Body Corporate,
I spent my first 18 years living on a main road. I have also lived on Temple Bar. I am the eldest of 32 grandchildren on my mother’s side and I have worked at Centrelink for ten years. This demonstrates that I am aurally tolerant – be it with traffic sounds, people puking outside my bedroom window, children screaming or adults abusing me.
December 1, 2010
Dear Ross,
I’ll be upfront: I never wanted a man.
The idea that every dog should have one has always given me cause to raise an eyebrow (or the spot where an eyebrow would be if I had them). They say that dog is to man what Robin is to Batman or Goose is to Maverick and that this is somehow desirable. They call it being best friends when, in reality, the dog is a mere sidekick. A wingman. The one who sleeps outside in winter while your best friend snuggles on the couch with his wife.
October 12, 2010
Dear Max,
On behalf of Lucy’s homeland, I just want to tell you how excited we are that you and Lucy are about to build a life together. You are the luckiest man in the world because Lucy is an absolute catch. As I’m sure you already know she is gorgeous, super smart, fun, a true friend, a fabulous cook, always up for frivolity and an expert in all things Lego.
September 12, 2010
Dear Facebook Boy,
This confession is a strange one so, before reading, please be assured that I look nothing like Glenn Close and I don’t dig on boiled bunny.
My friend is getting married next month. Because girls tend to discuss the most minute details of life, I’ve been briefed on the seating plan for the wedding and apparently I’m sitting next to you. My friend says this is serendipitous because you are hot and single and we will hit it off.
July 10, 2010
Dear Nate,
I want to tell you a story – some of it you already know, some of it you even helped write, some of it may come as a complete surprise (as it did to me) but stay with me, because I reckon there’s a chance of a happy ending.
This is the part you already know: We were together. We are no longer together.
May 12, 2010
Dear Mel,
If we had super powers and could make stuff happen we would genetically engineer humans so that, when someone is emotionally available, their head lights up like a vacant taxi ready to drop you home. We’d then make it so, if they weren’t emotionally available, they’d glide by in the cover of darkness and you wouldn’t pay them a second glance. Maybe you wouldn’t even notice they were there at all.
