Tips on how to appear street when purchasing weed for the first time
In 1994 there was an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where someone (Donna Martin? Or maybe it was Steve Sanders…) shook their fist at the camera and squawked 'Don't Do Drugs.' I can't remember the context, just the awesome alliteration and the fact that it was crazy funny to my fifteen-year-old self.
If you missed that particular episode or weren't yet born or don't take life instructions from trash TV, you might not know that drugs are bad for your health. Maybe you’ve recently decided you want to experiment a little but, because you're a big nerd-face and only hang with nerds, you have no one to score from.
Maybe you're thinking, 'I'd be interested to start some soft recreational drug taking but I don't know how to get my hands on marijuana.'
Don’t worry, we're here to help. We’ll have you high before you can say Aaron Spelling Stole My Brain Cells. Here is some stuff you should know:
1. You are never more than two degrees of separation from someone who can sell you weed. At school, smokers stay down the banks of the oval and nerds stay in the quadrangle. As adults, we are forced to integrate. Your workmate, friend’s boyfriend and neighbour all smoke. This is good news.
2. The bad news is you have to ask.
3. If you ask the wrong person they may turn out to be a cop. This may kill your chances of holidaying in the US. (Tokyo does have a Disneyland but it feels a little different to the US version.)
4. If you ask the right person in the wrong way you might make them think that you are a cop. This may kill your chances of purchase.
5. If you’ve asked your friends and they can’t help you, simply go to the pub. You’re looking for someone who looks like a smoker. Clue: red eyes, rollies...
6. Don’t ask for marijuana. Some colloquialisms you could use include weed, pot, ganga, smoko, smoke.
7. Be discrete and keep it simple: ‘I’m chasing a bit of smoko’ or ‘You wouldn’t know where I could find some weed?’
8. Practise saying this to your dog. Say it with the same intonation you might use for the sentence, ‘I’m wondering if you know where the bathrooms are?’ Keep your face relaxed, you’re totally not busting or anything.
9. Know roughly what you’re looking for. Start small. A stick should be around $20. It might be in a little bag (like the snap-lock bag a spare button comes in) or some foil. This is enough for three or four joints. Maybe five. Next up is a fifty (or 3g for $50). After that you move to a ¼ ($70-100) or an ounce ($250-300).
10. The stoner we went to for research laughed that if you didn’t know what to ask for, you probably didn’t need to know about a pound (for interest’s sake: $2500 and a lump around the size of a football).
11. The size of the bundle of weed doesn’t necessarily correlate with the quantity: weed can vary based on whether it’s wet or dry, fluffy or compact.
12. Be confident. Most smokers we surveyed had different ideas on lingo and costs. If you accidentally say something weird and someone looks at you like you’re a loser say, ‘Oh whatever, that’s what we call it in New York, what do you say here again?’
13. At that point, don’t try to start speaking with a New York accent. It’s totally too late for that and your accent will probably suck anyway. Just imagine that you lived in NY on exchange during uni – long enough to learn how they score weed, not long enough to pick up the accent.
Don’t forget drugs are illegal. In certain people, smoking weed can trigger all sorts of bad experiences. So can watching crappy television the whole way through your teen years. The upside of drug use is memory loss. The more you smoke, the less brain cells you have. The less brain cells, the less likely you are to have 90210 lines like ‘Don’t Do Drugs’ or the ever-emotive ‘Donna Martin graduates!!’ still lingering in your head sixteen years on.
DISCLAIMER: READERS SHOULD NOTE THAT THIS DOCUMENT IS PURELY SATIRICAL IN NATURE. WE ABSOLUTELY DO NOT ADVOCATE ILLICIT DRUG USE OR COMMITTING AN OFFENCE OF ANY KIND.
