Top ten ways for a father to stay cool with a lazy son
1. Do not ask him to do anything. While it may look to you like he is slothing on the couch, the secret work of young people is not always visible to the older eye. You must think of the ages 13–30 years as a gestation period for males (for females it’s 13–16 years). This time is fragile and much strenuous cognitive growth is taking place. Television, Playstation and blank walls are clever decoys; they are simply where the gaze is fixed and should not be taken as indicative of what your son is truly doing (or not doing).
2. In fact, don’t ask him anything at all. This one is a mystery but for some reason questions from the mouths of parents like, ‘So, how was that party last night?’ or ‘Anything fun happen on your weekend away?’ cause immediate jaw-lock. Maybe this is because it’s hard to know which details to share – do you really want to hear, ‘The party was kind of fun, but I woke up in Nick’s parents closet with a penis drawn on my face and now I feel a little weird’? Which leads us to…
3. Play it cool. Sometimes parents seem so damn keen. Playing hard to get is not just for lovers and cats. Kids play hard to get with their parents all the time. Your best ploy is to feign disinterest in the details but be ready if he wants to share.
4. Do your own cool things. You’ve spent the last 2-3 decades focusing on others, i.e. your kids. Now that they’re young adults, it’s time to get back to focusing on yourself. Take a reminiscing trip through your old music collection, buy expensive wine that your kids can’t afford, host dinner parties with a fascinating array of people and have thoughtful conversations that go late into the night. The ulterior motive here is that your son will start to see you less as a parent and more as a cool and worldly role model. Before too long, he’ll also see that being engaged and active in the world is a very fun way to live.
5. Don't stalk him on social networking sites. So you have a Facebook profile, that’s great. It’s a nice way for you to stay in touch with your friends or play scrabble with strangers but do not ‘poke’ your son. Do not attempt to add him or anyone he knows as your Facebook friend. Emailing him is acceptable and texting is okay, as long as you use abbreviations sparingly. LOL or FML are never okay from a parent.
6. Some things your son says and does will shock you; his attitude to things like choosing jobs and relationships, his choice in clothing, his preferred recreational activities, the language he uses, his personal hygiene, his priorities, his world view, his attitude to you. There must be times when you look at him and feel like you were an intelligent male zebra who mated with a hot female zebra, who in turn gave birth to a hermaphrodite echidna.
When this happens, separate yourself from the situation with the following equation:
Your DOB – his DOB = X years
Now ask yourself, what has changed worldwide in the past X years?
See? You have grown up on different planets; therefore, it is normal that he sees things differently to you.
7. Try not to be nostalgic. Sure, he used to love it when the two of you went camping together and pretended to be Burke and Wills (or the French equivalent) but he was seven-years-old then so it’s not like he was getting any better offers. Times change, the people we feel close to ebb and flow as our personality develops. Stay cool, relax in the down times and trust that in a few years from now you’ll probably have a better relationship than ever.
8. If you have to be nostalgic, if there are moments when you really can’t help yourself, do it in private. Lock yourself in your bedroom or your study before pulling out the photo albums and pouring over photos of your son when he was cute and sweet, when he would voluntarily climb into your lap for a hug, when his aroma didn’t make you dry-retch. Do it in private, don’t let him see you, never reveal this weakness.
9. Plot your revenge. Some things are known, some things are unknown. ‘Grandchildren bring families together’ falls firmly into the first category. Now before you panic, we’re not advising you to orchestrate your son getting some random woman pregnant in the interests of bettering your own relationship. Most definitely not. HOWEVER, you can bet your bottom dollar that, one day in the future, if your son has kids of his own, he’ll fly back to you with open arms, wide-eyed hopefulness and a list of instructions for babysitting. Use this opportunity to Strike Back. Tell him you can’t, that you’re busy, that you don’t want to. And don’t look him in the eye and tell him with words, oh no no. Gaze blankly over his shoulder at the TV in the background and tell him with a series of scowling grunts while scratching yourself and sucking back on an alcopop.
10. Research. Almost every television show ever made has a ‘lazy son’ character. Hire some DVDs to see how Dr Huxtable dealt with Theo, how Dr Seaver managed Mike and how Mr Keaton negotiated with Alex. Ok so Alex P. Keaton wasn’t your typical lazy son, quite the opposite in fact, but he still caused havoc for his parents and I for one have always found that there’s a plethora of truths to be gained from watching Family Ties.
Good luck!
Clothing for Correspondence
