Clothing for Corresspondence

Reasons why Chris and Lara should have Penny and Jane as friends  
 
1. We’d come visit you in Braidwood and show you the awesome bakery that has
loaves of bread that look like giant breasts.
 
2. Together, we would drink too much red wine and make fools of ourselves in
front of a whole country town. (The good folks of Castlemaine can provide
testament to our skill in this field.)
 
3. If Lara wanted something taken down from a high shelf and Chris was feeling
too tired to get off the couch, Jane could totter over on her long, long legs and
reach up to the high thing and bring it down to a normal person’s level of
accessibility.
 
4. Jane could then show you some yoga moves that would make a) Lara feel more
elongated and able to reach high shelves and b) Chris feel more energised and
able to offer to reach high shelves.
 
5. Penny would sit you both down, in full lotus, and show you how to compile To
Do lists that are, at once, productive and realistic. She would demonstrate how
including one or two items that have already been done, and then immediately
crossing them off, is an excellent way to make you feel like you’re well on your
way to achieving your goals.
 
6. Sometimes when someone sends a piece of clothing that’s, you know, just a
tiny bit not us, we give it to our friends. These friends could be you.
 
7. If you don’t like these clothes, Jane could teach you how to make an apron out
of a pillowcase, a pair of pants out of a tablecloth and a birthday card that looks
like a laptop. (Not that you would wear a birthday card. Or would you….? No,
you probably would not.)
 
8. Penny could teach you how to position your hands on your hips in a certain
way that will make you look really, really skinny on the red carpet (© Renée
Zellweger).  
 
9. When you came visit us in Melbourne we’d take you to Min Lokal where we
would regale you with tales of boys who are a little bit mental and you would sigh
and gasp in empathy and then you’d share your own stories about boys and we’d
shriek and clap our hands together with a mixture of horror and delight.
 
10. Then we’d order another round of coffee and reminisce about the days before
we were all friends and how they were okay in an empty, meaningless kind of
way and then the bill would come and we’d all reach for it at the same time and
we’d laugh and playfully argue about whose shout it was. Then we’d saunter out
into the crisp, wintry afternoon, and passersby would whisper, ‘I’d never have
thought clothes made out of AstroTurf would look any good but, oh boy, those
four have really taught me a thing or two.’