The alcopops stay in the fridge

The letter request:

Virgin Mobile keeps sending me bills for $0.00. I’ve called them several times and they’ve confirmed over the phone that I have no outstanding payments due, but the bills for zero dollars keep coming. Now they’ve sent me a final notice which threatens to cut off my service if I don’t pay them… nothing. Please help.


The letter:

Dear Virgin Mobile,

The history of numbers goes back a long way. I saw a documentary about this once – it was really interesting despite the crappy re-enactments. It’s pretty complex but, in a nutshell, the earliest known base 10 system (they system we use today) dates back to 3100 BC in Egypt.

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Auf wiedersehen

The letter request:

About a month ago I started hanging out with this girl, who I find incredibly beautiful, smart, funny and a wee bit strange. Things were going good in a relaxed and casual way, until… she freaked out. We talked about it, and she explained what happened but then I got a text saying we shouldn’t see each other anymore. Since then I’ve been trying to meet up with her, but she seems more and more distant and less and less interested. She’s leaving and won’t talk to me – I’d really like to meet up with her at least once before she goes back to Germany forever. I miss spending time with her.


The letter:

Dear Heike,

This is something that could happen…

I send this letter. You don’t respond. On the 22 April 2010, you fly back to Germany. We never see each other again.

You move into a flat that’s poky but gets lots of sunlight, even in wintertime when the sky is heavy and so low you can reach up and skim it with your fingertips. Despite the fact you’re mega smart, you struggle to find your dream job. Times are tough, so they keep telling us.

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Happy YOU Day!

The letter request:

I’d like a Valentine’s Day letter that gently reminds him why he’s so lucky to have me / should love me more / keep loving me forever / give me foot rubs EVERY day.


The letter:

Dear Ned, my Beloved Valentine,

Happy YOU Day!

As you read this, imagine me nuzzled in real close beside you. Maybe you’ve got your arm around me and I’m kinda nestled against your sturdy Irish chest all nice and snug like. Yeah, that’s it, that feels real cosy. Now, imagine my elbow, the one closest to you, imagine it digging into your lower ribs. Not so that it hurts – no way I would never hurt you on YOU Day – but just so it gently presses against your flesh in the sweetest way. Feel that? That’s called a nudge.

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Girls far and wide

The letter request:

Can you write a letter to all the girls out there who missed out on meeting my husband before I did and then I’ll give it to him as a love letter?


The letter:

Dear Girls Far and Wide,

This letter is one of commiseration and is in no way intended to be a declaration of triumph. I write because I genuinely feel for you. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because my heart aches for the girls of Australia. The girls of Canada. The girls of France. Indonesia. All of South East Asia. The girls of every single country that has at some point hosted Jonathan. Girls who could have sat next to him on a bus, got chatting, exchanged numbers, one thing leading to another… Girls who could have been his best mate’s pretty cousin for whom he had the hots. Girls who could have worked in the same office as him and pashed him in the photocopy room at the Christmas party.

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A glimmering white bum

The letter request:

Could you write a Valentines letter to my husband’s car. He seriously loves it more than he loves me.


The letter:

Dear Aaron’s Audi,

Will you be our Valentine?

Last year on St Valentine’s Day you were quite new on the scene and I think we forgot to celebrate. We were in that heady stage of lust, I believe they call it the ‘honeymoon’ phase.
If I’m honest, it wasn’t all roses and violins for me. While Aaron was in love with you immediately I myself was a little wary. I’ve shared him with other loves before. I’ve shared him with houses, jet skis and television programs about Kombi restoration. Hell, I’ve even shared him with the ironing. But somehow this is different. When Aaron fell for you he fell hard.

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Abnormally lovely

The letter request:

My husband left me for another state and I’m not able to filter my activities, lots of late nights, boozing it up, trying to catch up with everyone, missing everyone else I’m not catching up with, worried that I’m not giving the dog enough attention now that I’m a single parent, not eating well, not sleeping well, no time to plant my tomato seedlings before they get too leggy, too much craziness in my brain due to all of the above.


The letter:

Dear Honey,

You’re a popular lady but, for one already-skinny lass, you sure do spread yourself thin. With some simple reprogramming we’re confident you’ll get your life back on track.
First, some home truths…

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Meet you by the water tank

The letter request:

We seriously found our dream rental today and we need the PERFECT letter to convince the agent to rent to us. Can you help?


The letter:

Dear 129 Parker Street,

Not sure if you remember us but we met yesterday? We’re Robby and Amy – tall, smiley guy and not-so-tall flame-haired Canadian lass? There were a lot of people … you may not have noticed us … it’s okay.

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Have crushes on cool people

The letter request:

I would like a letter from my child self to my adult self to rediscover my inner child that has been lost amongst societal pressures. I need some creative ideas of how to do this and reignite my sense of adventure! My child self has always enjoyed making things and being creative particularly making jewellery and printmaking, hugs, sticking up for the underdog, dancing, reading, trying new things and meeting new people, travel, being spontaneous and laughing. Things that my adult self likes that child Emma doesn’t like include worrying about the future, worrying about work and my career (or lack of!), remaining quiet when I should speak up and watching too much TV.


The letter request:

Hi Emma of today,

Long time no see. One minute we’re chasing friends in the playground – the only goal being to reach them, tap them, scream ‘You’re It!’ then get the hell outta there – the next minute we’re expected to chase careers, money, security, an endless yet inexplicable shopping list of must-haves. The deal’s pretty much the same, as far as I can tell: we’re still meant to reach them and tap them, only this time we’re supposed to scream ‘I’m It!’ and then stay. B u t   what if, as is the case with us, despite these new rules we still just feel like getting the hell outta there?

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Lubricate your eyeballs

The letter request:

I’ve just turned 25, I’ve never had a proper job in my life (i am not including cooking and barrista-ing for 4 years), I’m doing a doco course that i LOVE but that freaks me out (spending every day wondering am i good enough to even try to be a filmmaker?). I also do not have any skills, other than my cafe skills, that would help me support myself. So i need a letter that tells me it’s ok to be so utterly confused about life, money and career at the age of 25. oh and that i will, one day, meet a person to fall in love with! and that it’s not that I’m a complete weirdo, it’s just that i’m special.


The letter:

Dear Vessal,

Congratulations on recently turning 25 – wow! That’s awesome. It’s such a fantastic age to be. But also, I’m afraid, an age of robust introspection and rampant bewilderment. Some questions that may have flittered across your mind’s eye of late are sure to have included the following:

a) What am I doing with my life?
b) Do I have any prospect of succeeding in what I really want to be doing?
c) Am I good enough?
d) What is art?
e) Is art important? (as deemed by Nicole Kidman at the 2003 Academy Awards)
f) Should I explore back-up career options?
g) What am I doing with my life?

Continue reading “Lubricate your eyeballs”