December 18, 2011
Dear Professor,
Do you know what an eroteme is? You probably do, being a professor and all. I have to admit that, until I looked it up just now, I did not. I don’t mind telling you that. The best way to improve oneself is to allow that we all have surfaces that could do with a spit and polish. Nobody’s perfect, right? We all have room to grow.
January 13, 2010
Some tips on how to appear street when purchasing weed for the first time
In 1994 there was an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where someone (Donna Martin? Or maybe it was Steve Sanders…) shook their fist at the camera and squawked ‘Don’t Do Drugs.’ I can’t remember the context, just the awesome alliteration and the fact that it was crazy funny to my fifteen-year-old self.
If you missed that particular episode or weren’t yet born or don’t take life instructions from trash TV, you might not know that drugs are bad for your health. Maybe you’ve recently decided you want to experiment a little but, because you’re a big nerd-face and only hang with other nerd-faces, you have no one to score from. Maybe you’re thinking, ‘I’d be interested to start some soft recreational drug taking but I don’t know how to get my hands on marijuana.’
December 1, 2009
Pros
Do you like your face? I hope you do. But if you don’t, it’s understandable. Not because it’s ugly but because you didn’t choose it: it might not be your thing. You didn’t choose your hands either. Or your shoulders. Or your ankles. But what you can choose is a tattoo, and this means having a part of your body that you can look at every day and LOVE. (NB. This may not be applicable if you choose a tattoo of Garfield. Or a unicorn. Or a random Chinese symbol that you don’t understand.)
Tattoos show conviction. They show that you can make a decision and stick with it. When doubters say, ‘You’re stuck with that your whole life’, you can confidently think, ‘YES! Because that’s what I do, I stick with things. I am no quitter.’ It’s a nice feeling.
November 26, 2009
Dear Honey,
You’re a popular lady but, for one already-skinny lass, you sure do spread yourself thin. With some simple reprogramming we’re confident you’ll get your life back on track.
First, some home truths…
September 1, 2009
Hi Emma of today,
Long time no see. One minute we’re chasing friends in the playground – the only goal being to reach them, tap them, scream ‘You’re It!’ then get the hell outta there – the next minute we’re expected to chase careers, money, security, an endless yet inexplicable shopping list of must-haves. The deal’s pretty much the same, as far as I can tell: we’re still meant to reach them and tap them, only this time we’re supposed to scream ‘I’m It!’ and then stay. B u t what if, as is the case with us, despite these new rules we still just feel like getting the hell outta there?
July 7, 2009
1. First things first: You Are Interesting. As if that’s even debatable. How many people know where to source a tin monkey on a tricycle let alone think to send it to someone via snail mail? Hold this knowledge tight in your fist and keep your head high.
2. Pretend that you are already friends. If you and Carmel are already friends pretend you’re even better friends, like, besties. This might sound hard but it really helps. Delusion can be an ally.
