I don’t do these things with people who are not my friends

The letter request:

My ex husband just sent me a request to connect on LinkedIn. We divorced nearly two decades ago when he ran off with someone else and we’ve had zero contact since then. He did attempt contact once before but I told him then that I had no interest in being pen-pals of any kind. 

 

The letter:

Dear John

The brain is a precious organ that must be treated with the utmost care. Many things can cause it harm, including car accidents, infections and too much partying.

At one end of the spectrum, this type of damage can lead to death. At the other end, it might cause hallucinations and a belief in different planes of reality. You know, like Xenu or the cabbage soup diet or President Donald Trump.

In my plane of reality, I have friends and colleagues who mean a lot to me. We email, follow each other’s lives and careers on social media and catch up in person for hijinks, hilarity and heart-to-hearts. In my plane of reality, I don’t do these things with people who are not my friends. Which brings me to you.

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How did you decide who got to keep me?

The  letter request:

Good friends of mine, Matt and Elena, split up last year and while I thought I was equally friends with both of them, only Matt has stayed in contact with me.  I’ve tried to reach out to Elena but she seems to be avoiding me. I feel like they’ve decided amongst themselves who gets to keep me as a friend but the thing is, if I only get to be friends with one of them, I’d actually prefer Elena.

 

The letter: 

Dear Matt and Elena,

Let’s start by saying that I know you are no longer ‘Matt and Elena.’ It’s for simplicity (and transparency) that I address you both in the same letter. You know that biblical passage that people read at weddings: Love is patient and kind…Love never fails…? It’s a wish that gets stated as a truism. The reality is that sometimes love is an arsehole and fairly often it fails us dismally. I don’t need to tell you guys that.

It’s absolutely none of my business how the divorce proceedings panned out. I will never enquire about how you guys decided who kept the house, or who got the kids when or, perhaps most poignantly, who got to keep that super comfy couch.

What I am interested in is how your friends were divvied up. Specifically, how did you decide who got to keep me? I’ll tell you how things look from the outside: it appears that, like the dog, I’m staying with Matt. It appears that the decision has been made that Elena and I are no longer friends.

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Yo, Goldilocks

The letter request:

It’s been a month since I asked my whacky housemate to move out yet he seems to still be here. We are carrying on as though the conversation never happened. I need a letter to give to him as a gentle reminder that our house sharing relationship is over. 

 

The letter:

Dear Brad,

Something funny has been happening around my house lately. I go into the bathroom and the shower is all wet. I say to myself, ‘Someone’s been showering in my bathroom.’ I go into the spare room and find the spare bed disheveled and unmade. I say to myself, ‘Someone’s been sleeping in my spare room.’ I go into the kitchen and I see someone cooking dinner. I say to myself, ‘Someone is making Pasta Arrabiata in my kitchen… after I asked him to move out.’

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Please shit on the couch

The letter request:

I would like a letter written from my dog, Jadah, to my husband, Ross. We are having a baby in March and with that means our dog has to move onto another home – I don’t trust a highly strung German Shepherd with a newborn.  Ross is absolutely in love with the dog and whilst she causes him stress and frustration he is going to miss her so much when she goes. We took this dog on when she was a five-year-old runt. She is now going on 10, however she often gets mistaken for a puppy as she is immature, has plenty of energy and no road sense. She is afraid of bikes, trains and trams and does not have very good social skills with other dogs. Ross had so much faith that he could change her behaviour but Jadah is much more stubborn than your average dog. She truly rules our household but we are going to miss her so much.

 

The letter:

Dear Ross,

I’ll be upfront: I never wanted a man.

The idea that every dog should have one has always given me cause to raise an eyebrow (or the spot where an eyebrow would be if I had them). They say that dog is to man what Robin is to Batman or Goose is to Maverick and that this is somehow desirable. They call it being best friends when, in reality, the dog is a mere sidekick. A wingman. The one who sleeps outside in winter while your best friend snuggles on the couch with his wife.

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We are good together

The letter request:

We were together. We are no longer together. I still want to be with him. Or, with him again. We are good together. When we met he was freshly out of a relationship and still in love with his ex. I broke it off because I was falling in love with him and worried that I was just a rebound. It’s been a month since the break-off, and we see each other a lot. We watched a few World Cup games with friends, go out in groups, but always with safe distance. We’ve talked, and he can see himself with both me and his ex. I probably shouldn’t have broken it off, but I was scared and silly.

 

The letter request:

Dear Gus,

I want to tell you a story – some of it you already know, some of it you even helped write, some of it may come as a complete surprise (as it did to me) but stay with me, because I reckon there’s a chance of a happy ending.

This is the part you already know: We were together. We are no longer together.

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Brave and smart

Dear Mel,

If we had super powers and could make stuff happen we would genetically engineer humans so that, when someone is emotionally available, their head lights up like a vacant taxi ready to drop you home. We’d then make it so, if they weren’t emotionally available, they’d glide by in the cover of darkness and you wouldn’t pay them a second glance. Maybe you wouldn’t even notice they were there at all.

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