Yo, Goldilocks

The letter request:

It’s been a month since I asked my whacky housemate to move out yet he seems to still be here. We are carrying on as though the conversation never happened. I need a letter to give to him as a gentle reminder that our house sharing relationship is over. 


The letter:

Dear Brad,

Something funny has been happening around my house lately. I go into the bathroom and the shower is all wet. I say to myself, ‘Someone’s been showering in my bathroom.’ I go into the spare room and find the spare bed disheveled and unmade. I say to myself, ‘Someone’s been sleeping in my spare room.’ I go into the kitchen and I see someone cooking dinner. I say to myself, ‘Someone is making Pasta Arrabiata in my kitchen… after I asked him to move out.’

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Please shit on the couch

The letter request:

I would like a letter written from my dog, Jadah, to my husband, Ross. We are having a baby in March and with that means our dog has to move onto another home – I don’t trust a highly strung German Shepherd with a newborn.  Ross is absolutely in love with the dog and whilst she causes him stress and frustration he is going to miss her so much when she goes. We took this dog on when she was a five-year-old runt. She is now going on 10, however she often gets mistaken for a puppy as she is immature, has plenty of energy and no road sense. She is afraid of bikes, trains and trams and does not have very good social skills with other dogs. Ross had so much faith that he could change her behaviour but Jadah is much more stubborn than your average dog. She truly rules our household but we are going to miss her so much.


The letter:

Dear Ross,

I’ll be upfront: I never wanted a man.

The idea that every dog should have one has always given me cause to raise an eyebrow (or the spot where an eyebrow would be if I had them). They say that dog is to man what Robin is to Batman or Goose is to Maverick and that this is somehow desirable. They call it being best friends when, in reality, the dog is a mere sidekick. A wingman. The one who sleeps outside in winter while your best friend snuggles on the couch with his wife.

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Be cautious of free-roaming animals

The letter request:

I’m really glad that my friend has fallen in love and is moving to the side of the world but I just want to make sure her new beau realises that we’ve still got her back and we’re fierce over here


The letter:

Dear Max,

On behalf of Lucy’s homeland, I just want to tell you how excited we are that you and Lucy are about to build a life together. You are the luckiest man in the world because Lucy is an absolute catch. As I’m sure you already know she is gorgeous, super smart, fun, a true friend, a fabulous cook, always up for frivolity and an expert in all things Lego.

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