Macramé string starts to fall from the trees

The letter request:

My boyfriend’s housemate is only nice to me if she wants something. In the 18 months I’ve known her she’s been nice twice. I’m currently working in Colombia and she sent me a lengthy message (first in four months since I’ve been away) kissing my ass and asking me to bring her macramé string because it’s cheaper in South America.

 

The letter:

Dear Maddy,

While I’m not personally one for mysticism, there are many people who claim that they can see into the future. There’s that old guy at the Sunday market who reads palms behind a curtain of red velour; that friend from school who, after a few wines, invariably pulls out a deck of Aleister Crowley tarot cards; phone lines where a mere $18.99 will score you half an hour of banter with a ‘qualified’ psychic and, if all else fails, there are horoscopes in every newspaper ever printed. You must be kicking yourself now. Why didn’t you think of this abundance of clairvoyance at your fingertips?

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How did you decide who got to keep me?

The  letter request:

Good friends of mine, Matt and Elena, split up last year and while I thought I was equally friends with both of them, only Matt has stayed in contact with me.  I’ve tried to reach out to Elena but she seems to be avoiding me. I feel like they’ve decided amongst themselves who gets to keep me as a friend but the thing is, if I only get to be friends with one of them, I’d actually prefer Elena.

 

The letter: 

Dear Matt and Elena,

Let’s start by saying that I know you are no longer ‘Matt and Elena.’ It’s for simplicity (and transparency) that I address you both in the same letter. You know that biblical passage that people read at weddings: Love is patient and kind…Love never fails…? It’s a wish that gets stated as a truism. The reality is that sometimes love is an arsehole and fairly often it fails us dismally. I don’t need to tell you guys that.

It’s absolutely none of my business how the divorce proceedings panned out. I will never enquire about how you guys decided who kept the house, or who got the kids when or, perhaps most poignantly, who got to keep that super comfy couch.

What I am interested in is how your friends were divvied up. Specifically, how did you decide who got to keep me? I’ll tell you how things look from the outside: it appears that, like the dog, I’m staying with Matt. It appears that the decision has been made that Elena and I are no longer friends.

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A whale could destroy a starfish in a millisecond

The letter request:

Five friends, from four different cities around the world, organise a NYE reunion at the zoo. We part with a sizeable sum for a prime fireworks position in the ‘gold’ area to maximise fun, view, and minimise toilet and drinks queue time. But on arrival we were greeted by a long bar queue that didn’t seem to be moving. The first 40 minutes, and regular intervals thereafter, were spent in the queue rather than enjoying views with friends. 

 

The letter:

Dear Zoo,

Colours do not always represent status. In grade three I was in a maths groups called the Blue Whales and my friend was in a maths group called the Red Starfish. Because both blue and red are top-shelf colours with no inherent value attached to them – and because whales and starfish each have their own wonderful and unique attributes – my friend and I didn’t know which group was the top group and therefore which one of us was smarter at maths. So I get it, colours do not always represent status. Except when they do.

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