I don’t do these things with people who are not my friends

The letter request:

My ex husband just sent me a request to connect on LinkedIn. We divorced nearly two decades ago when he ran off with someone else and we’ve had zero contact since then. He did attempt contact once before but I told him then that I had no interest in being pen-pals of any kind. 

 

The letter:

Dear John

The brain is a precious organ that must be treated with the utmost care. Many things can cause it harm, including car accidents, infections and too much partying.

At one end of the spectrum, this type of damage can lead to death. At the other end, it might cause hallucinations and a belief in different planes of reality. You know, like Xenu or the cabbage soup diet or President Donald Trump.

In my plane of reality, I have friends and colleagues who mean a lot to me. We email, follow each other’s lives and careers on social media and catch up in person for hijinks, hilarity and heart-to-hearts. In my plane of reality, I don’t do these things with people who are not my friends. Which brings me to you.

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Yo, Goldilocks

The letter request:

It’s been a month since I asked my whacky housemate to move out yet he seems to still be here. We are carrying on as though the conversation never happened. I need a letter to give to him as a gentle reminder that our house sharing relationship is over. 

 

The letter:

Dear Brad,

Something funny has been happening around my house lately. I go into the bathroom and the shower is all wet. I say to myself, ‘Someone’s been showering in my bathroom.’ I go into the spare room and find the spare bed disheveled and unmade. I say to myself, ‘Someone’s been sleeping in my spare room.’ I go into the kitchen and I see someone cooking dinner. I say to myself, ‘Someone is making Pasta Arrabiata in my kitchen… after I asked him to move out.’

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He’s pretty much taught her how to be a dog

The letter request: 

My neighbour is off on a roadtrip around Australia and I want him to leave me his dog, Harvey. My own dog, Shyla, and I have become quite attached to him. The dogs are always going under the fence to see each other. Also, Harvey teaches Shyla a lot and he is making her into a more confident dog. I’m willing to give visitation rights and I’m happy to send photo updates as well but ultimately I think his dog will be better off staying with me.

 

The letter:

Dear Guy,

Do you ever feel like life is too banal? Like we respond to things in a way that is just so foreseeable that life has lost all meaning? That our existence has no sense of surprise?

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Auf wiedersehen

The letter request:

About a month ago I started hanging out with this girl, who I find incredibly beautiful, smart, funny and a wee bit strange. Things were going good in a relaxed and casual way, until… she freaked out. We talked about it, and she explained what happened but then I got a text saying we shouldn’t see each other anymore. Since then I’ve been trying to meet up with her, but she seems more and more distant and less and less interested. She’s leaving and won’t talk to me – I’d really like to meet up with her at least once before she goes back to Germany forever. I miss spending time with her.

 

The letter:

Dear Heike,

This is something that could happen…

I send this letter. You don’t respond. On the 22 April 2010, you fly back to Germany. We never see each other again.

You move into a flat that’s poky but gets lots of sunlight, even in wintertime when the sky is heavy and so low you can reach up and skim it with your fingertips. Despite the fact you’re mega smart, you struggle to find your dream job. Times are tough, so they keep telling us.

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